Oh No! My Son Is A Sex Symbol

What do you do when your kid becomes “sexy”?

“I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made…”

Psalm 139:4, NKJV

The more teen girls (and increasingly women of all ages) start to realize how wonderfully my son is made, the more I am fearful.

I was glad that my wife and I had three boys. I always joked that I would be the dad that carried a pair of pliers in my back pocket to take care of any boys who showed even the slightest amorous hint toward a daughter of mine; or looked at her with any kind of sexual over (or under) tone.

Scratch that thought, I have unfortunately bred a fourteen year old, six-foot-three-inch, chic magnet. The ooh’s and ah’s from women when he was a lanky little seven year old red haired cutie should have been some indicator of the problems to come.

Mind you, this isn’t my opinion, that my son’s myspace.com photos are the object of multiple dozens of different girls whose comments range from the casual “You’re so cuuuuute,” to the brazen sexual proposition of loosely-moraled young girls, are obvious indicators. Oh, and he’s a musician, a guitar player, no less.

I subscribe to the theory of intelligent design. It is difficult for me to reconcile with the idea that the intricate and complex people that I encounter daily are the product of random chance and process. The theory of intelligent design is defined as “the assertion or belief that physical and biological systems observed in the universe result from purposeful design by an intelligent being rather than from chance or undirected natural processes.” (Dictionary.com NP)

That being the case, I believe we were made wonderfully and with the desire to be attractive to each other. In its basest form, it could be a purely physical attraction for the sake of procreation. In reality, however, our attractions are based on multiple factors, many of which are defined by our culture, religion and/or traditions. In the end, every person wants to be considered attractive. Desiring to be attractive, to somebody and in some cases anybody, is natural and can lead to a lifestyle of good hygiene, proper exercise and a healthy diet.

In The Deviant’s Advantage, by Ryan Mathews and Watts Wacker, the authors allude to the decay of ideas as they are exposed to new and different contexts created by culture, including the media, marketing, and other social institutions. They call this the “Abolition of Context.” This is an inability of people within a society to find commonly agreed-upon reference points. Unfortunately, there has been a blurring of the concept of attractiveness in our culture with the idea of being sexy. The concept behind “sexy” is worlds apart from that of “attractive” when you get to the end of the road each ultimately points down. (Mathews/Wacker 65)

Attractive: Providing pleasure or delight, esp. in appearance or manner; pleasing; charming; alluring: an attractive personality. (Dictionary.com NP)

Sexy: Concerned predominantly or excessively with sex; risqué. Sexually interesting or exciting; radiating sexuality. (Dictionary.com NP)

The Fashion Book, a catalogue of works from 20th century designers quotes fashion photographer, Mario Testino, or ‘Super Mario’ as he is called, as saying “Fashion is all about making a girl look sexy.” This statement is in reference to a photo he is credited with of model Nadja Auermann in French Glamour, whose left hand tugs at the bottom of the front of her micro-skirt, while simultaneously pulling her tucked-in shirt down from under her skirt bottom with her right hand, provocatively exposing her legs and thighs. (Phaidon 448)

In this context, when the goal of the fashion designers is to make “girls sexy,” intelligent design becomes about strategic display. Pants are cut to accentuate the hips and buttocks, shirts are designed to show cleavage or are made skin tight and semi-transparent to show off the torso and midriff as well as the “sexy” bra underneath. Mind you, these are the clothes in the winter season; summer is a micro version of the same provocative concepts. Yes, these are the clothes in the misses section, the ones designated for teen and preteen girls. The same can be said of much of the clothing designed for young men; low rise jeans that almost expose the pubic area, fitted t-shirts, and even body fragrances whose purpose is to “turn on” the opposite sex by chemically unleashing their sexual nature, thus rendering the female unable to control herself. Remember, when you say sex-y, you have said sex, every time, because that is what sexy is about.

This shift in mindset has changed the way girls and boys interact when it comes to sexuality and romance. After fifty years of young girls being advised not to call a boy on the phone, it is now the teenage girls doing the calling, or in the case of my son’s Myspace.com photo, the girls are doing the propositioning. Shmuley Boteach, a Jewish Rabbi and commentator in his book, Hating Women, is quoted “Whether they are influenced by the trickle-down effects of feminism, which has taught girls to be assertive in all areas of life, or have internalized the images of sexually powerful women in pop culture, American girls are more daring than ever… the teenage girl as sexual aggressor is a recurring character in music videos, almost macho in her pursuit of sex and advertising her pleasure in it.” (Boteach 119)

If a girl is supposed to be sexy then she must pursue sex and unfortunately trades her femininity for the degradation that almost naturally comes in response from the boys she pursues. “In a world without ladies, there can be no gentlemen.” (Boteach 118)

As of Tuesday, September 15, 2009, Facebook.com serves 300 million people globally (Zuckerburg NP). Myspace.com boasts 263, 920,012 members (Alexa NP), and 84% of teens own a cell phone and use it daily (C&R Researcher NP). Social networks and the proliferation of cell phones have changed the way our children interact. These “private” spaces have created a virtual gallery for our kids to parade themselves in front of their peers. While not all teens misuse their photo galleries, you owe it to yourself, and your kids, to check the photo galleries of their Myspace.com profile (and that of their friends). You may be surprised to see a menagerie of titillating pictures with suggestive comments including innuendo and some very brazen sexual dialogue. These social networks have created a venue for a new era of exhibitionists and a ready made voyeur audience of their peers.

Youthbeat.com, a site created by C & R Researcher, published a report that claims that 60% of tweens (preteen children) and 84% of teens surveyed owned their own cell phone. In the past parents added an extra phone line to make sure that the main line wasn’t tied up by their kids, now teens have cell phones that they use as much at home as away. “Cell phones are the ‘kid’s line’ of the 21st century.” (C&R Researcher NP)

Here is the quantum leap when it comes to your kid’s voyeur generation, the entrance of the cell phone as an integral part of their social life. In 33 Million People In The Room, Juliette Powell defines the term social network as an online platform where people can connect with each other. We used to send letters, and then we waited on phone calls, from there it shifted to emails which were substituted by text messages; now we connect through our online profiles, and become “friends” with each other on Facebook.com, Myspace.com or we follow each other on Twitter.com. The advent of the smart phone, a cell phone that is basically a portable web enabled computer, now gives teens the opportunity to be connected to the internet and their social network twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.

The first thing people with smart phones do when they sit down together is take out their phones and set them on the table. “There may be two people at the table, but there are 33 million people in the room.” (Powell 7-8) Conversations become fodder for status updates on their social networks, in real time, right from their phone. A “private” conversation is broadcast to their whole network, instantaneously. Every party or get together is a photo-op with pictures taken and uploaded to their online magazines, in almost the same breath. Every conversation is a press release to the hordes of other people who are first level connections (direct friend connections), and like the studies done in the past about promiscuous sexual relationships, everyone that their connections are connected to (friends’ friend connections).

There is nothing inherently insidious about technology. In some things we can find balance, from others we abstain. The technology and its use or misuse is not the disease, but a symptom of something else. The question we have to ask after “What are they doing?” is “Why are they doing it?”

“Think sugar, say Splenda.” The little yellow packet may be the key to this whole dilemma. The artificial sweetener business is a $1 billion dollar industry and Splenda has captured 50% of those dollars, edging out other giants including Equal and Nutra-sweet. (Gogoi NP) What does this have to do with your teen being sexy? One word: substitution.

Splenda is touted as an artificial substitute for sugar, made from sugar, which tastes like sugar. The one thing that Splenda is not is a “cheap” substitute; in fact it costs considerably more than natural sugar. In the same way, the current sexually charged, hyper-connectivity within our kids’ culture is a substitute for the true intimacy that should occur within a strong family.

“Youth…need media for guidance and nurture in a society where other social institutions such as the family and the school, do not shape the youth culture as powerfully as they once did.” (Rainer 109) Media, what we’ve traditionally referred to as television and music must also include social networks and cell phones.

What is being substituted? Guidance, nurture, affirmation, acceptance, love, intimate relationships, all crucial elements needed to shape and develop a strong, healthy identity are substituted by instant messenger/multiple-person, multi-line cell phone calls/status updates and comment discussions, all happening simultaneously (guidance), photo comments (affirmation), top friends lists (acceptance), sexual dialogue and comments/online relationships (love), public dialogue about shallow and even profound topics (intimate relationships), these are not “cheap” substitutes, either. They are the investment of your kids’ entire lives. The reality is that the word “artificial” is a nice way of saying “fake.”

There is one group that we must hold solely responsible for a generation of teens who have completely substituted sexy for attractive, it’s not the media or fashion industry, it’s the parents. We purchase the clothes, provide access to media sources through our funding of cable and internet, and open the avenues of communication by paying for cell phones. I am not advocating a knee-jerk reaction that will send all of our kids scrambling back into the dark ages. I am, however, advocating that we can make a difference in the lives of our kids if we take the time to pay attention to what our kids are wearing and doing.

In order to be a positive balance in your child’s life, you are going to have to know what is actually going on. That may mean that you become more than “dumb ole’ Dad or Mom.” I wouldn’t suggest that you go and buy a pair of black sunglasses and an ear piece, but you may need to look at your job as a parent somewhat like a CIA agent, and begin gathering intelligence; but it’s not just enough to “know what’s going on”, you must play an active role in their life. Secondly, we as parents, whether in a traditional marriage, mixed family or single parent home, must begin to refocus our efforts on creating an environment in our homes that nurtures our children and gives them the “real thing” instead of the substitute; it will end up costing much less in the long run.

Works Cited

Boteach, Shmuley. Hating Women. New York: Harper Collins. 2005

C&R Researcher. Youthbeat.com. 27 November, 2009

http://viewer.zmags.com/publication/2be698e9#/2be698e9/

Dictionary.com. Various definitions.

Accessed November 27, 2009. <http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/word>

Gogoi, Pallavi. “How Far From Sugar Is Splenda?” Businessweek.com. Feb 2, 2005. November 29, 2009

<http://businessweek.com/technology/content/feb2005/tc2005022_7832_tco24.htm

Mathews, Ryan and Wacker, Watts. The Deviant’s Advantage. New York: Crown Business, 2002.

“Myspace.com” www.Alexa.com.  27 November, 2009

<http://alexa.com/siteinfo/myspace.com>.

Phaidon Press, Inc. The Fashion Book. New York: Phaidon Press, 1998

Powell, Juliette. 33 Million People In The Room. New Jersey: Pearson Education, Inc., 2009

Rainer, Thom S. The Bridger Generation. Nashville: Broadman and Holman Publishing, 1997

Zuckerburg, Mark. “300 Million and Beyond” Facebook.com. 15 Sep. 2009.  27 November, 2009

<http://blog.facebook.com/blog.php?post=136782277130>.